And I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I like food and eat too much of it sometimes and it makes me want to nap like a bear in hibernation. That’s today. First errands, then babysitting, now home.
I ended up getting the position to babysit one of my favorite students outside of school. The catch is I didn’t know I’d also be babysitting with one of my coworkers who I can’t decide how I feel about. Okay, honestly, I’m much more comfortable when she’s not around but when she is around she is civil towards me. I think it’s a clash of both her age and our being bossy and straightforward and putting that energy together is like two rams locking horns until one falls off the cliff. It’s just that I have kept it to myself as best I can and am disappointed I’ll keep having to do that.
On the bright side, I’m getting paid now that I have this position. It’s after school, my time is split up between two other people (including the coworker) so it won’t envelope my life and I can still work towards my degree, the bane of my existence. The ol’ ball and chain.
My history professor is insane. Aside from literally 10 busy work introductory assignments, our weekly discussion posts are damn near theses in themselves (include footnotes, has to include a quote, has to be 10+ sentences on some convoluted topic). My very tired brain needs a break, and I wanted to talk about / reference a Buzzfeed article I read. Don’t read further if body shaming triggers you! There’s no need. Nothing informative other than recycled pain. I’m just in a stage between feeding it and growing out of it.
It was several summative tweets of women’s experiences being body shamed, so naturally it dredged up the loop that’s constantly playing in the back of my head and now I want to share them because so far that’s the only way I know how to purge and renew (even if it’s a slow process).
– My dad saying I’m ‘such a pretty girl, I’d be prettier if I lost weight and it would widen my dating options,’ when I was 17/21/23/25/28 and self conscious about my relationship status.
– My cousin, a boy, telling me guys would only use me for my parents’ money when I got older. We were 11.
– My mom essentially saying normal guys don’t want fat girls, and if a guy likes fat girls there’s something wrong with him. (She and my dad were fat when they got married. Still fat.)
– My mom watching me walk across our living room and reach for something up high “You’ve got such a cute body underneath all that blubber!”
– My thin best friend asking me “But what do YOU have that *I* don’t?” when a boy liked me. She wasn’t even interested in him.
Finally Someone Said It.
I have had these thoughts for a week now about the Portland Train stabbings, and while I’m deeply saddened two men lost their lives protecting innocent people from an obvious lunatic, I found myself resenting the media for slacking. I shouldn’t be surprised. The media is fucked up in many ways. However, I couldn’t help but intuit the fact our President, a cis hetero white garbage, is hated now more than ever and then here comes along the seemingly perfect story where two white men died trying to save other people. As if to say, “See, we’re not so bad.” This isn’t criticizing the brave and courageous men who stood up for what they believe in – THAT part is beautiful and tragic. This is about the media immortalizes them but denies that same acknowledgment to PoC. How many times have PoC stood up to defend one of their own and died for it? How many times will they have to until the media respects them enough to cover it?
Link to donate towards helping these two girls get the mental health care they need and provide adequate transportation as they don’t feel safe riding the MAX train in Portland anymore.