This (CW: Portland Train Attacks)

Finally Someone Said It.

I have had these thoughts for a week now about the Portland Train stabbings, and while I’m deeply saddened two men lost their lives protecting innocent people from an obvious lunatic, I found myself resenting the media for slacking. I shouldn’t be surprised. The media is fucked up in many ways. However, I couldn’t help but intuit the fact our President, a cis hetero white garbage, is hated now more than ever and then here comes along the seemingly perfect story where two white men died trying to save other people. As if to say, “See, we’re not so bad.” This isn’t criticizing the brave and courageous men who stood up for what they believe in – THAT part is beautiful and tragic. This is about the media immortalizes them but denies that same acknowledgment to PoC. How many times have PoC stood up to defend one of their own and died for it? How many times will they have to until the media respects them enough to cover it?

 

Link to donate towards helping these two girls get the mental health care they need and provide adequate transportation as they don’t feel safe riding the MAX train in Portland anymore.

Sunday.

It just dawned on me when my Human Behaviors professor was talking about poor people losing mental bandwidth and their brain chemistry changing due to the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, that same theory could apply to other parts of our lives too. I think about how much more effort it requires for me to get along with people now and wonder if it’s because that part of my brain has gotten lazy because I’ve been in such comfortable friendships. And I was thinking about having to get along with people because Alex may quite possibly be moving in with Coty for a little bit while his house gets remodeled (the storm in late April knocked a power line out, and bing-bang-boom a tree fell into his house). He’s living with his mom as of right now and hates it, so Coty, being the nice person he is, offered his house up to him.

I can understand feeling uncomfortable at your mom’s as a grown man. I totally understand the anxiousness someone would have at not being able to go home because it’s broken and getting fixed. And its in my nature to immediately offer SOMETHING when people are in need because I understand that all consuming feeling and stress.

However.

I don’t like being treated differently from other people. Like how can you text Jessica all day, or you’ll come over when Jessica asks you, but if I ask you then it’s a “Maybe,” or “No.” Did you use me to try and passively show off to Jessica? Is your belief in the ‘Bro Code’ just an act? Are you ever going to relax and quit judging us for every little thing? Like SO WHAT I’m lying on the couch. I run around all day pushing aggressive and surprisingly strong woman-children into break rooms so they don’t choke me. I’m. Laying. On. The. Couch.

I’ve been judging this guy from day one and so far all I can see is someone who’s proud to be selfish (he will literally tell you he’s ‘selfish’, and it’s like, “OKAY WELL THE FIRST STEP TO FIXING A PROBLEM IS ACKNOWLEDGING IT, SOO…..”) and creates this vibe of a king needing to be appeased. We can’t have our cell phones out. We can’t interrupt him. We have to be able to understand what he’s talking about. We have to be interesting and lead interesting lives or he’ll judge us. We cook him dinners. We have to “entertain him,” but on the same hand we’ve definitely given indications of Party Fun Time being the FUCK over and he still wants to hang out with us so I’m confused! I would just think after how we’ve extended ourselves that he would relax a little. Maybe that’s what I keep picking up on him is that he’s controlling so I sense this and rebel against it entirely? And somehow he’s still infiltrating my social group and I can’t block it? Every time I imagine his energy it just feels like a gnat, like he doesn’t “fit” in our group. Then there’s the added paranoia of “Is this gonna turn into a “Dustin / Marcus” situation again with Jessica? Does he like Jessica?

Whatever, it hasn’t happened yet, but he is coming over to Coty’s Tuesday. I won’t be there because why put myself in that situation? I’ve done enough overthinking and worrying tonight over some fuckboy. I’m getting my beauty rest. (By the way, have been really obsessed with skin products and skin care. Inching my way towards no makeup, if only my brows would get the fuck in line).

Chaos.

I really do. I don’t feel angry, but I DO feel very unmerciful.

For starter’s, it was crazy at work. We had 2 TA’s out, only 1 certified (when we normally should have 3) and 1 TA that came in late PLUS coordinating everyone’s lunches, and then who would be with what kid at THEIR lunch, PLUS 3 subs and only 1 of them being tolerable.

Girl was about to start having a behavior because she doesn’t wait very well and needed to use the restroom, as Sub 1 was waiting in restroom with their own kid. We tell Sub 1 to move and she’s like “Oh I’m watching X go to the bathroom,” and out of all of our kids X is the most harmless and doesn’t need to be harnessed and oh, could you please get the fuck out of the way like we asked because you staring is pissing Girl off. Girl kept having a behavior and combined today she spent a total of 2 hours in her time out room “frogging” and banging her head on the door, banging the door in general, grabbing at my throat and pinch-grabbing ALL of us. And someone rammed the door really hard into my shoulder as we were shutting it to prevent her from anhiliating the staff, so that’s gonna bruise. We have behavior sheets we fill out and apparently now, two weeks before the chaos is over with for good, we’re informed we can’t write things like “aggressive,” or “banging head on door” because that’s “subjective”. WTAF? I mean really, WTAF. One, why bother changing things so close to the finish line? Two, I’m pretty sure “banging head on door” is not subjective. I have a love/hate feeling towards the teacher who instilled this policy.

Another kid had a behavior with Sub 2 in the gym, and Sub 1 was following me and my partner TA and kid around as if we’re a pack (WE ARE NOT), and you never know when someone will need help. We couldn’t ask Sub 3 to go because she was MIA and also this kid HATES her, just like everyone else, so we asked Sub 1. She said “No, Sub 2 knows what she’s doing, I think I’m just going to wander around.” Uhm, excuse me? You just said this morning that we, the TA’s, have it down and “know what we’re doing” so why don’t you rewind and go help like we fucking asked. (In case you’re wondering why me nor my TA went to help it’s because the kid we were with is a 2:1. In hindsight we could have asked him to hold Sub 1’s hand instead for a few minutes, but STILL. Madness.)

Sub 3 didn’t even rotate 5th hour like she was supposed to and just left with different kids, so no one knew who was supposed to pick up the kid that eventually had a behavior and threw their Coke all over the classroom. I’ve always hated Sub 3 though, she’s an idiot so no surprise there.

We found out one of our favorite teachers isn’t coming back next year and they handled it kind of shitty, and our administration is kind of shitty to us overall. This particular teacher happened to get a classroom full of shit parents who are lazy and don’t want to accept responsibility for their kids. Two, their grandma is dying and this teacher is her primary caretaker so she’s been out a lot attending to that. This teacher is also a coach and has been gone a lot taking care of that, and whenever she had a broken hand from a student, or a concussion because she got HEADBUTTED that hard. Supposedly our principal walked in and told her basically she was not going to be asked back because she didn’t get her certificate testing done on time, and she said “My grandmother is dying,” and our principal didn’t care. Normally I’m skeptical to rumors but this I could see.

Our principal is some tall lanky guy who looks like Steve Buschemi’s doppleganger and treats our kids like a joke. He just reeks of Target cologne and has this awkward clown mouth. Like one time at the beginning of the year he barely poked his head inside the classroom I had for my 1:1 student (who was known for being verbally explosive, etc.) she cussed him the fuck out and he left, smirking (OMG if anything gets me riled up its when an adult SMIRKS because of a kid’s behavior, I get so confused because I don’t know who to babysit at that point.)  and then later caught me in our clock out room and casually asked how “our little friend” was doing. I said she’s fine and we worked. He says “Did she actually work?” as I’m standing there with a backpack full of her writing, completed worksheets, and drawings. I wanted to hit him with it and I’ve hated him ever since. Maybe if you were intuitive enough to connect with kids with special needs instead of lankily walk and lurk around, you’d know. Yeah?

THEN THE CHERRY ON TOP WAS GETTING MY FAFSA DENIAL EMAIL FOR SUMMER SEMESTER DUE TO NOT MAKING SATISFACTORY ACADEMIC PROGRESS EVEN THOUGH I MADE B’S.

FUCK TODAY.