Catch Up.

Oh, do I feel like death. My throat is scratchy and sore, I’m exhausted, my feet and bones ache with effort. The true milestone of working hard is when you get sick from it. I’ve finally succeeded.

Today was a good day. I made people laugh, I did my job, I cared about others, but of course CH had a behavior near the end and I always feel guilty for that or like I caused it and its embarrassing when other people around because I’m supposed to be the leader in those situations. I feel guilty because I think subconsciously I’m annoyed at CH for making me look bad when I OBVIOUSLY UNDERSTAND its not their fault. Regardless they did calm down quickly despite it escalating to head butting and screaming. I am going to try to crowd them less when they bang their head and maybe that will help. We’re also going to put a rug underneath their desk too.

So anyway I went through my day thinking of all the homework I have to get done, how tired I feel, the noise, the behaviors, my cheeks hurting from all the polite smiles I had to give out as I passed less than stellar coworkers… but my highlights include the speech pathologist and one of my higher ups commenting on how beautifully CH and I work together when they are one of the toughest kids in the program, and she told me I have good common sense and know the right things to do without having to be lead. As if that didn’t give me a needed ego boost, the same teacher called me later and asked if I wanted to participate in a professional development training with an autism specialist. She mentioned they picked TA’s they thought would really absorb the information too, and each school is only allowed to pick so many TA’s, and we get trained once a month and then implement it in the classroom. If you saw the old TA’s who came back this year it wouldn’t really be a surprise she asked me, but she didn’t ask one of our TA’s who’s been in the district longer than any of us and who is always jumping in to help the kids either so that says something.

I love my job. Like even with all the financial and emotional stress I have been going through, I’ve never woken up and just dreaded going to work or hated the kids I worked with. They seriously light up my life and I’m so thankful.

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Complaining About School.

I feel so worn down today. For starter’s I have a huge headache, but then I’m looking at my apartment and all the clothes everywhere. The bed undone. The clutter. I miss the routine I had where I spent my weekends tidying and enjoying my alone time. I also discovered today that my patchy academic performance will come back to haunt me if I apply for graduate school. I’ve been sort of maintaining a B average the last two years only to raise my GPA by a fraction, when I need it raised by a mile. Working that out would be fine except I had plans to graduate in the fall and then immediately apply to be a Alt-certified SPED teacher, and now I can’t because THAT ALSO depends on your GPA. I could either hope to god I get it done right, or I could spend another year working as a TA to qualify for having a BA, +2 years work experience. (“Well, just get all A’s”. Easier said when you don’t have 9 years of academic experience underneath your belt, because basically they’re taking ALL the classes you’ve completed and averaging them, so an “A” weighs a lot less for me vs. someone who’s only take 90 credit hours.) As I sit here and complain and sigh I understand all it takes is a plan of action and the stress will go away, but … everything is happening so slowly. I have been working and focusing on my long-term goals for what feels like forever, because they just barely started to take shape and I’m ready to jump into the action now. I’m ready to stop being broke NOW. Fuck.