My AC is Broken

And I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I like food and eat too much of it sometimes and it makes me want to nap like a bear in hibernation. That’s today. First errands, then babysitting, now home.

I ended up getting the position to babysit one of my favorite students outside of school. The catch is I didn’t know I’d also be babysitting with one of my coworkers who I can’t decide how I feel about. Okay, honestly, I’m much more comfortable when she’s not around but when she is around she is civil towards me. I think it’s a clash of both her age and our being bossy and straightforward and putting that energy together is like two rams locking horns until one falls off the cliff. It’s just that I have kept it to myself as best I can and am disappointed I’ll keep having to do that.

On the bright side, I’m getting paid now that I have this position. It’s after school, my time is split up between two other people (including the coworker) so it won’t envelope my life and I can still work towards my degree, the bane of my existence. The ol’ ball and chain.

Body Shaming

My history professor is insane. Aside from literally 10 busy work introductory assignments, our weekly discussion posts are damn near theses in themselves (include footnotes, has to include a quote, has to be 10+ sentences on some convoluted topic). My very tired brain needs a break, and I wanted to talk about / reference a Buzzfeed article I read. Don’t read further if body shaming triggers you! There’s no need. Nothing informative other than recycled pain. I’m just in a stage between feeding it and growing out of it. 

It was several summative tweets of women’s experiences being body shamed, so naturally it dredged up the loop that’s constantly playing in the back of my head and now I want to share them because so far that’s the only way I know how to purge and renew (even if it’s a slow process).

– My dad saying I’m ‘such a pretty girl, I’d be prettier if I lost weight and it would widen my dating options,’ when I was 17/21/23/25/28 and self conscious about my relationship status.

– My cousin, a boy, telling me guys would only use me for my parents’ money when I got older. We were 11.

– My mom essentially saying normal guys don’t want fat girls, and if a guy likes fat girls there’s something wrong with him. (She and my dad were fat when they got married. Still fat.)

– My mom watching me walk across our living room and reach for something up high “You’ve got such a cute body underneath all that blubber!”

– My thin best friend asking me “But what do YOU have that *I* don’t?” when a boy liked me. She wasn’t even interested in him.

This (CW: Portland Train Attacks)

Finally Someone Said It.

I have had these thoughts for a week now about the Portland Train stabbings, and while I’m deeply saddened two men lost their lives protecting innocent people from an obvious lunatic, I found myself resenting the media for slacking. I shouldn’t be surprised. The media is fucked up in many ways. However, I couldn’t help but intuit the fact our President, a cis hetero white garbage, is hated now more than ever and then here comes along the seemingly perfect story where two white men died trying to save other people. As if to say, “See, we’re not so bad.” This isn’t criticizing the brave and courageous men who stood up for what they believe in – THAT part is beautiful and tragic. This is about the media immortalizes them but denies that same acknowledgment to PoC. How many times have PoC stood up to defend one of their own and died for it? How many times will they have to until the media respects them enough to cover it?


Link to donate towards helping these two girls get the mental health care they need and provide adequate transportation as they don’t feel safe riding the MAX train in Portland anymore.


It just dawned on me when my Human Behaviors professor was talking about poor people losing mental bandwidth and their brain chemistry changing due to the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, that same theory could apply to other parts of our lives too. I think about how much more effort it requires for me to get along with people now and wonder if it’s because that part of my brain has gotten lazy because I’ve been in such comfortable friendships. And I was thinking about having to get along with people because Alex may quite possibly be moving in with Coty for a little bit while his house gets remodeled (the storm in late April knocked a power line out, and bing-bang-boom a tree fell into his house). He’s living with his mom as of right now and hates it, so Coty, being the nice person he is, offered his house up to him.

I can understand feeling uncomfortable at your mom’s as a grown man. I totally understand the anxiousness someone would have at not being able to go home because it’s broken and getting fixed. And its in my nature to immediately offer SOMETHING when people are in need because I understand that all consuming feeling and stress.


I don’t like being treated differently from other people. Like how can you text Jessica all day, or you’ll come over when Jessica asks you, but if I ask you then it’s a “Maybe,” or “No.” Did you use me to try and passively show off to Jessica? Is your belief in the ‘Bro Code’ just an act? Are you ever going to relax and quit judging us for every little thing? Like SO WHAT I’m lying on the couch. I run around all day pushing aggressive and surprisingly strong woman-children into break rooms so they don’t choke me. I’m. Laying. On. The. Couch.

I’ve been judging this guy from day one and so far all I can see is someone who’s proud to be selfish (he will literally tell you he’s ‘selfish’, and it’s like, “OKAY WELL THE FIRST STEP TO FIXING A PROBLEM IS ACKNOWLEDGING IT, SOO…..”) and creates this vibe of a king needing to be appeased. We can’t have our cell phones out. We can’t interrupt him. We have to be able to understand what he’s talking about. We have to be interesting and lead interesting lives or he’ll judge us. We cook him dinners. We have to “entertain him,” but on the same hand we’ve definitely given indications of Party Fun Time being the FUCK over and he still wants to hang out with us so I’m confused! I would just think after how we’ve extended ourselves that he would relax a little. Maybe that’s what I keep picking up on him is that he’s controlling so I sense this and rebel against it entirely? And somehow he’s still infiltrating my social group and I can’t block it? Every time I imagine his energy it just feels like a gnat, like he doesn’t “fit” in our group. Then there’s the added paranoia of “Is this gonna turn into a “Dustin / Marcus” situation again with Jessica? Does he like Jessica?

Whatever, it hasn’t happened yet, but he is coming over to Coty’s Tuesday. I won’t be there because why put myself in that situation? I’ve done enough overthinking and worrying tonight over some fuckboy. I’m getting my beauty rest. (By the way, have been really obsessed with skin products and skin care. Inching my way towards no makeup, if only my brows would get the fuck in line).


I really do. I don’t feel angry, but I DO feel very unmerciful.

For starter’s, it was crazy at work. We had 2 TA’s out, only 1 certified (when we normally should have 3) and 1 TA that came in late PLUS coordinating everyone’s lunches, and then who would be with what kid at THEIR lunch, PLUS 3 subs and only 1 of them being tolerable.

Girl was about to start having a behavior because she doesn’t wait very well and needed to use the restroom, as Sub 1 was waiting in restroom with their own kid. We tell Sub 1 to move and she’s like “Oh I’m watching X go to the bathroom,” and out of all of our kids X is the most harmless and doesn’t need to be harnessed and oh, could you please get the fuck out of the way like we asked because you staring is pissing Girl off. Girl kept having a behavior and combined today she spent a total of 2 hours in her time out room “frogging” and banging her head on the door, banging the door in general, grabbing at my throat and pinch-grabbing ALL of us. And someone rammed the door really hard into my shoulder as we were shutting it to prevent her from anhiliating the staff, so that’s gonna bruise. We have behavior sheets we fill out and apparently now, two weeks before the chaos is over with for good, we’re informed we can’t write things like “aggressive,” or “banging head on door” because that’s “subjective”. WTAF? I mean really, WTAF. One, why bother changing things so close to the finish line? Two, I’m pretty sure “banging head on door” is not subjective. I have a love/hate feeling towards the teacher who instilled this policy.

Another kid had a behavior with Sub 2 in the gym, and Sub 1 was following me and my partner TA and kid around as if we’re a pack (WE ARE NOT), and you never know when someone will need help. We couldn’t ask Sub 3 to go because she was MIA and also this kid HATES her, just like everyone else, so we asked Sub 1. She said “No, Sub 2 knows what she’s doing, I think I’m just going to wander around.” Uhm, excuse me? You just said this morning that we, the TA’s, have it down and “know what we’re doing” so why don’t you rewind and go help like we fucking asked. (In case you’re wondering why me nor my TA went to help it’s because the kid we were with is a 2:1. In hindsight we could have asked him to hold Sub 1’s hand instead for a few minutes, but STILL. Madness.)

Sub 3 didn’t even rotate 5th hour like she was supposed to and just left with different kids, so no one knew who was supposed to pick up the kid that eventually had a behavior and threw their Coke all over the classroom. I’ve always hated Sub 3 though, she’s an idiot so no surprise there.

We found out one of our favorite teachers isn’t coming back next year and they handled it kind of shitty, and our administration is kind of shitty to us overall. This particular teacher happened to get a classroom full of shit parents who are lazy and don’t want to accept responsibility for their kids. Two, their grandma is dying and this teacher is her primary caretaker so she’s been out a lot attending to that. This teacher is also a coach and has been gone a lot taking care of that, and whenever she had a broken hand from a student, or a concussion because she got HEADBUTTED that hard. Supposedly our principal walked in and told her basically she was not going to be asked back because she didn’t get her certificate testing done on time, and she said “My grandmother is dying,” and our principal didn’t care. Normally I’m skeptical to rumors but this I could see.

Our principal is some tall lanky guy who looks like Steve Buschemi’s doppleganger and treats our kids like a joke. He just reeks of Target cologne and has this awkward clown mouth. Like one time at the beginning of the year he barely poked his head inside the classroom I had for my 1:1 student (who was known for being verbally explosive, etc.) she cussed him the fuck out and he left, smirking (OMG if anything gets me riled up its when an adult SMIRKS because of a kid’s behavior, I get so confused because I don’t know who to babysit at that point.)  and then later caught me in our clock out room and casually asked how “our little friend” was doing. I said she’s fine and we worked. He says “Did she actually work?” as I’m standing there with a backpack full of her writing, completed worksheets, and drawings. I wanted to hit him with it and I’ve hated him ever since. Maybe if you were intuitive enough to connect with kids with special needs instead of lankily walk and lurk around, you’d know. Yeah?



Complaining About School.

I feel so worn down today. For starter’s I have a huge headache, but then I’m looking at my apartment and all the clothes everywhere. The bed undone. The clutter. I miss the routine I had where I spent my weekends tidying and enjoying my alone time. I also discovered today that my patchy academic performance will come back to haunt me if I apply for graduate school. I’ve been sort of maintaining a B average the last two years only to raise my GPA by a fraction, when I need it raised by a mile. Working that out would be fine except I had plans to graduate in the fall and then immediately apply to be a Alt-certified SPED teacher, and now I can’t because THAT ALSO depends on your GPA. I could either hope to god I get it done right, or I could spend another year working as a TA to qualify for having a BA, +2 years work experience. (“Well, just get all A’s”. Easier said when you don’t have 9 years of academic experience underneath your belt, because basically they’re taking ALL the classes you’ve completed and averaging them, so an “A” weighs a lot less for me vs. someone who’s only take 90 credit hours.) As I sit here and complain and sigh I understand all it takes is a plan of action and the stress will go away, but … everything is happening so slowly. I have been working and focusing on my long-term goals for what feels like forever, because they just barely started to take shape and I’m ready to jump into the action now. I’m ready to stop being broke NOW. Fuck.

Nevertheless, Don’t Persist.

I joined POF in July of 2016 in the hopes of getting over a soft fuckboy from the Unecessarily Stressful Used Bookstore. Ended up giving a chance to this dude who had messaged me on other apps in the past, whom I ignored, but I remembered him this time because of the quasi-shitty thing he’d said the last time. Yeah, I’m that girl at times.

We began talking and surprisingly – I enjoyed it. I’m very picky and get bored easily which are terrible personality traits to have when mingling and dating. He was smart and inquisitive, and we were both on the same page feeling wise. I was nervous, but hopeful.

We’d been talking for a day or two, he had dropped a hint about meeting up and I swiftly ignored it. Sadly, I don’t remember the conversation word for word, but in essence I quite clearly told him I hated talking on the phone with people unless I knew them WELL. Then one day I was sick, and he called me. I didn’t answer. He called again. I didn’t answer and then I asked him why he was pushing my boundaries. He made up some stupid, manipulative excuse about wanting to get me soup (I know it was an excuse and a lie, but … for sure! Get me, Nervous Nelly, soup and call me, No Phone Phoebe, to bring it over to me, Sicko Suzie. Fucking A, do they not think? Or am I just a giant wall with no ropes)? 

Finally it’s late at night, he convinced me to talk to him on the phone (i.e. wore me down, will never happen again). The conversation was okay but he clearly picked up on my hints of being tired and wouldn’t gracefully allow me to get off the phone so I had to bluntly say, “I’m tired and need to get off the phone.” I think he even laughed and said he knew that and was just waiting until I said something??? I mean, I get that kind of teasing because I can do that… but not with people I’m just meeting…

Another thing was he wouldn’t show me a picture of his teeth. I used to be SO JUDGY about people’s teeth, then my firsts’ teeth weren’t perfect and I realize I wouldn’t really care once we’re doing the business and relaxed… except this dude would talk about how his teeth were his insecurity and they were messed up from him getting sick a lot when he was younger (then why does his profile say he likes to keep in shape, when he recently was in the ER waiting to be treated for throwing up… which I ALSO don’t believe because he told me that the same day I was sick, as if it was a Sick Contest?!)  I never asked to see a picture of them because lord knows I’d never want to be asked to see a picture of my fat rolls, but … ew. I ended up never meeting him because I didn’t have a job, didn’t know when I’d get one, and thus didn’t see the point in pursuing a relationship when I couldn’t pull my own financial weight for a bit. When I told him he said that was messed up to do out of the blue (??? Another red flag, because when is there ever a good time to hurt someone’s feelings or ego?) and left it at that.

Fast forward to now, he sees me on OkC. Messages me. I don’t respond. Later in the day he messages me again. I don’t respond. A few days later sends me a peace sign….

I mean dude, is it really any wonder you’ve been single?! Harassing someone and trying to wear them down so you can get your ego stroked is not the way to win someone, let alone a woman, over. If did that to a dude I’d either keep getting ignored or harshly shut down. Fricking A. It didn’t happen for a reason.


Wow, WordPress. Here I am yet again. Back to blogging about dumb guys, new and old friends, and my challenging climb to a stable career. Little things still bother me, and I am ever closer to Nirvana, or self-acceptance. I haven’t had a serious relationship yet, but I’m 30 hours away from earning my Bachelor’s. I still live in Oklahoma, but I no longer spend my energy doing things I don’t want to do, or being around people I don’t want to be around. I’m $10,000 in debt, and now about $20,000 since I bought a new car a little less than a month ago, but I make my payments on time and have a plan for the future so I won’t be drowning. I have four people who mean the world to me and I keep my apartment nice and tidy. I fight for the underdogs and I call out the people who get on my nerves. I don’t hold back anymore but I also am not fighting for attention and appreciate what it means to respect myself. I’ve learned what someone wasting my time looks like and have learned how to move on from it. I’m excited for the next chapter in my life, moving to a bigger city, and meeting new people and using what I’ve learned so far to have more meaningful interactions. I’m 28 and I wouldn’t have it any other way. ❤