It just dawned on me when my Human Behaviors professor was talking about poor people losing mental bandwidth and their brain chemistry changing due to the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, that same theory could apply to other parts of our lives too. I think about how much more effort it requires for me to get along with people now and wonder if it’s because that part of my brain has gotten lazy because I’ve been in such comfortable friendships. And I was thinking about having to get along with people because Alex may quite possibly be moving in with Coty for a little bit while his house gets remodeled (the storm in late April knocked a power line out, and bing-bang-boom a tree fell into his house). He’s living with his mom as of right now and hates it, so Coty, being the nice person he is, offered his house up to him.
I can understand feeling uncomfortable at your mom’s as a grown man. I totally understand the anxiousness someone would have at not being able to go home because it’s broken and getting fixed. And its in my nature to immediately offer SOMETHING when people are in need because I understand that all consuming feeling and stress.
I don’t like being treated differently from other people. Like how can you text Jessica all day, or you’ll come over when Jessica asks you, but if I ask you then it’s a “Maybe,” or “No.” Did you use me to try and passively show off to Jessica? Is your belief in the ‘Bro Code’ just an act? Are you ever going to relax and quit judging us for every little thing? Like SO WHAT I’m lying on the couch. I run around all day pushing aggressive and surprisingly strong woman-children into break rooms so they don’t choke me. I’m. Laying. On. The. Couch.
I’ve been judging this guy from day one and so far all I can see is someone who’s proud to be selfish (he will literally tell you he’s ‘selfish’, and it’s like, “OKAY WELL THE FIRST STEP TO FIXING A PROBLEM IS ACKNOWLEDGING IT, SOO…..”) and creates this vibe of a king needing to be appeased. We can’t have our cell phones out. We can’t interrupt him. We have to be able to understand what he’s talking about. We have to be interesting and lead interesting lives or he’ll judge us. We cook him dinners. We have to “entertain him,” but on the same hand we’ve definitely given indications of Party Fun Time being the FUCK over and he still wants to hang out with us so I’m confused! I would just think after how we’ve extended ourselves that he would relax a little. Maybe that’s what I keep picking up on him is that he’s controlling so I sense this and rebel against it entirely? And somehow he’s still infiltrating my social group and I can’t block it? Every time I imagine his energy it just feels like a gnat, like he doesn’t “fit” in our group. Then there’s the added paranoia of “Is this gonna turn into a “Dustin / Marcus” situation again with Jessica? Does he like Jessica?
Whatever, it hasn’t happened yet, but he is coming over to Coty’s Tuesday. I won’t be there because why put myself in that situation? I’ve done enough overthinking and worrying tonight over some fuckboy. I’m getting my beauty rest. (By the way, have been really obsessed with skin products and skin care. Inching my way towards no makeup, if only my brows would get the fuck in line).