Work Rant.

OMG WORLD, yet another post to complain… I’m getting so tired of my narrative being complaining but here I am so passionate about what I do and nobody is meeting me there. I feel like I’m having to pull a lot of the mental weight and I am already in three classes and one of them is triggering and I think I’ll have to go to therapy from a trauma based counselor because I have a clear inability to maintain relationships (might go into that later, might not) and then keeping track of what I eat and making sure I’m not eating too much.

What spurred this on is that our classroom this year is chaos. For example, we have a new TA with a seizure-prone kid. His seizures can be disassociative, or as intense as grand mal ones. When he’s tired you HAVE to watch his face. The TA-wanna-be-a-basketball-coach watches his phone more than his face. Another TA doesn’t even stick by their kid (his was found rummaging through someone’s unlocked car during the fire drill. Our teacher snap chatted it and laughed). Then it was “Oh no we have to focus ALL OF OUR ATTENTION on our highly violent kid because he punched the teacher really hard and now she’s scare of him” and said teacher doesn’t even pay attention to the transitional kid to the point that she texts me asking how he did the past two weeks because she’s never came in there once to check on him.

In the spirit of things being crazy I sent a text to 6 people today. 6. and I said “Hey, how about we do morning meetings before the kids get here – and they can be once a week, once a month, and regroup and coach how to handle past events better.” Neither of the certified teachers responded, and even though I told the other 4 NOT to respond BECAUSE it was a group text and most people hate those, but I just said “Don’t respond directly to this thread” I.E. “TEXT ME BACK DIRECTLY INSTEAD”. did anyone? No. Nope. Sure didn’t.

And there I am writing the behaviors protocol for one of our other intense kids albeit higher functioning and I keep asking HER teacher of record “Did you read it, is it okay? Did you give all her NEW TAS (who don’t have a CLUE how to get along with her) her behavior sheets?” And he’s just like “Oh yeah I’ll read it at lunch”

Fuck of ALL of them, I’m not going to care about a damn thing now unless it’s directly my responsibility. I’ll try not to anyway. None of this even made me feel better.

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Tarot Readings – September

I was sitting here relaxing and listening to some tarot readings on YouTube for shits and giggles, and became inspired to do some light, one-carders for the month of September for all signs. The deck I’m using is the traditional Rider-Waite deck for anyone who is into imagery. These are general readings so they may not apply to everyone. Check your Sun, Moon, and rising sign to get the most out of them. ūüôā

Aries –¬†Strength. Lol. This is such a typical Aries card. “Strength” can represent a lot of different things, but my gut feeling was that many Aries will be maturing during this month of September, learning to quell their generally spitfire or blunt nature and being more tactful and patient. You may be getting over a sickness and regaining your literal physical strength back as well, or having to gently remind someone who’s the “boss” in your dynamic.

Taurus –¬†Knight of Cups. I just feel lazy and gentle seeing this card. Taurus this month will probably be having conversations about their future dreams and goals, conversations over drinks, conversations while relaxing on the sofa, doing things you enjoy. Hopefully this month will feel so easy going for you. I also get the feeling you are wanting to approach someone and may do so in a more subtle way vs. your more heavy and direct style.

Gemini¬†– 3 of Wands Reversed. Geminis may find themselves frustrated with work and project endeavors not moving as quickly as they need or anticipated. That’s no surprise seeing as how it’s Virgo season, and all that mute, contained energy clashes with Gemini’s external expression (Side note: Gemini and Virgo are both mutable signs ruled by Mercury, ergo in a 360 degree birth chart they would square.)¬†Your expectations this month may delay panning out or not at all.

Cancer – 5 of Pentacles. Cancers may have some health and financial concerns this month when this card appears, or someone you know will have them. You may find yourself needing help this month but have no one to rely on. Another angle of this card is you simply might be missing someone you used to be / are close with and haven’t seen in a long time as well.

Leo –¬†Queen of Cups. Leo, Leo, Leo. I see you as being very nurturing this month with this card as a representation. I see you appreciating what you have this month and recognizing the value of what you have / what surrounds you. You are also expecting something this month but with a much longer spectrum of patience than Gemini.

Virgo¬†– Knight of Pentacles. Can’t say I’m surprised Virgo. The only other card more fitting would be the King of Pentacles. You are expecting news regarding a work or financial matter this month, and are focused on finishing a rewarding project. I also feel you are working with a partner on this project but perhaps have yet to hear from them. You may also be focused on practical tasks like cleaning and long-term goals. Typical for you to always have your nose to the grindstone or with extreme attention to detail.

Libra – 7 of Cups. Okay, I’m dying a little bit because how is this NOT fitting for a Libra? All the best choices and too indecisive to pick. Libra you may be trying to fool someone this month so that they don’t see you or the situation as it really is, or you may be getting fooled. You may be avoiding the ugly truth so you can enjoy the fantasy a little longer. It’s time to take off the rose colored glasses and call a spade, a spade.

Scorpio – Page of Swords. Scorpio, your skill of acute observation will serve you this month when you overhear some important information that would benefit others. I feel you as being on the lookout at this time (but really as a Scorpio – when are you not?)¬†It’s not entirely tied to the card but I feel there will be a shift in your loyalty this month, as if in your realm a new person has taken over and this change has been long awaited.

Sagittarius¬†– The Tower. YIKES, man. It’s a good thing a Sagittarius always lands on their feet because BIG changes are coming your way this month! I haven’t drawn The Tower card in a very long time, but I already know one of my Sagittarius friends is going through an unexpected transfer. You may find yourself throwing out things or people you thought you’d keep forever and starting over, or having a realization about a situation or pattern that’s happened over and over in your life. Whatever it is, transformation isn’t a bad thing and you’re built to roll with it.

Capricorn – 8 of Swords. Getting a mix here, Capricorn. It seems either you’re making someone feel insecure or you feel insecure with all the overthinking you do. You feel you don’t have enough of what you need right now, but that’s not true. You at least have your mind which is pretty sharp. It’s imperative you realize what’s important and forget the rest. No time to focus on silly hang ups right now.

Aquarius¬†– 2 of Pentacles. Ironically, not a ton going on for you this month. You’ve recently started a new long-term endeavor and are now getting into the swing of things. You may find yourself needing a few extra hands to help, but otherwise you have it handled. You may have two good offers come your way this month regarding income and not know which one to choose or try to do both.

Pisces –¬†Ace of Pentacles. Funny I was just thinking of this card in regards to Aquarius’ reading. Pisces, you will currently be enjoying a fresh start or new chapter in your life. Some of you may have had a baby recently or will have a baby this month. Others may feel refreshed after having done things for others for such a long time. You have finally given yourself permission to focus on your own life and the things you enjoy this month.¬†

Catch Up.

Oh, do I feel like death. My throat is scratchy and sore, I’m exhausted, my feet and bones ache with effort. The true milestone of working hard is when you get sick from it. I’ve finally succeeded.

Today was a good day. I made people laugh, I did my job, I cared about others, but of course CH had a behavior near the end and I always feel guilty for that or like I caused it and its embarrassing when other people around because I’m supposed to be the leader in those situations. I feel guilty because I think subconsciously I’m annoyed at CH for making me look bad when I OBVIOUSLY UNDERSTAND its not their fault.¬†Regardless they did calm down quickly despite it escalating to head butting and screaming. I am going to try to crowd them less when they bang their head and maybe that will help. We’re also going to put a rug underneath their desk too.

So anyway I went through my day thinking of all the homework I have to get done, how tired I feel, the noise, the behaviors, my cheeks hurting from all the polite smiles I had to give out as I passed less than stellar coworkers… but my highlights include the speech pathologist and one of my higher ups commenting on how beautifully CH and I work together when they are one of the toughest kids in the program, and she told me I have good common sense and know the right things to do without having to be lead. As if that didn’t give me a needed ego boost, the same teacher called me later and asked if I wanted to participate in a professional development training with an autism specialist. She mentioned they picked TA’s they thought would really absorb the information too, and each school is only allowed to pick so many TA’s, and we get trained once a month and then implement it in the classroom. If you saw the old TA’s who came back this year it wouldn’t really be a surprise she asked me, but she didn’t ask one of our TA’s who’s been in the district longer than any of us and who is always jumping in to help the kids either so that says something.

I love my job. Like even with all the financial and emotional stress I have been going through, I’ve never woken up and just dreaded going to work or hated the kids I worked with. They seriously light up my life and I’m so thankful.

My AC is Broken

And I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I like food and eat too much of it sometimes and it makes me want to nap like a bear in hibernation. That’s today. First errands, then babysitting, now home.

I ended up getting the position to babysit one of my favorite students outside of school. The catch is I didn’t know I’d also be babysitting with one of my coworkers who I can’t decide how I feel about. Okay, honestly, I’m much more comfortable when she’s not around but when she is around she is civil towards me. I think it’s a clash of both her age and our being bossy and straightforward and putting that energy together is like two rams locking horns until one falls off the cliff. It’s just that I have kept it to myself as best I can and am disappointed I’ll keep having to do that.

On the bright side, I’m getting paid now that I have this position. It’s after school, my time is split up between two other people (including the coworker) so it won’t envelope my life and I can still work towards my degree, the bane of my existence. The ol’ ball and chain.

Body Shaming

My history professor is insane. Aside from literally 10 busy work introductory assignments, our weekly discussion posts are damn near theses in themselves (include footnotes, has to include a quote, has to be 10+ sentences on some convoluted topic). My very tired brain needs a break, and I wanted to talk about / reference a Buzzfeed article I read.¬†Don’t read further if body shaming triggers you! There’s no need. Nothing informative other than recycled pain. I’m just in a stage between feeding it and growing out of it.¬†

It was several summative tweets of women’s experiences being body shamed, so naturally it dredged up the loop that’s constantly playing in the back of my head and now I want to share them because so far that’s the only way I know how to purge and renew (even if it’s a slow process).

– My dad saying I’m ‘such a pretty girl, I’d be prettier if I lost weight and it would widen my dating options,’ when I was 17/21/23/25/28 and self conscious about my relationship status.

– My cousin, a boy, telling me guys would only use me for my parents’ money when I got older. We were 11.

– My mom essentially saying normal guys don’t want fat girls, and if a guy likes fat girls there’s something wrong with him. (She and my dad were fat when they got married. Still fat.)

– My mom watching me walk across our living room and reach for something up high “You’ve got such a cute body underneath all that blubber!”

– My thin best friend asking me “But what do YOU have that *I* don’t?” when a boy liked me. She wasn’t even interested in him.

This (CW: Portland Train Attacks)

Finally Someone Said It.

I have had these thoughts for a week now about the Portland Train stabbings, and while I’m deeply saddened two men lost their lives protecting innocent people from an obvious lunatic, I found myself resenting the media for slacking. I shouldn’t be surprised. The media is fucked up in many ways. However, I couldn’t help but intuit the fact our President, a cis hetero white garbage, is hated now more than ever and then here comes along the seemingly perfect story where two¬†white men died trying to save other people. As if to say, “See, we’re not so bad.” This isn’t criticizing the brave and courageous men who stood up for what they believe in – THAT part is beautiful and tragic. This is about the media immortalizes them but denies that same acknowledgment to PoC. How many times have PoC stood up to defend one of their own and died for it? How many times will they have to until the media respects them enough to cover it?

 

Link to donate towards helping these two girls get the mental health care they need and provide adequate transportation as they don’t feel safe riding the MAX train in Portland anymore.

Sunday.

It just dawned on me when my Human Behaviors professor was talking about poor people losing mental bandwidth and their brain chemistry changing due to the stress of living paycheck to paycheck, that same theory could apply to other parts of our lives too. I think about how much more effort it requires for me to get along with people now and wonder if it’s because that part of my brain has gotten lazy¬†because I’ve been in such comfortable friendships. And I was thinking about having to get along with people because Alex may quite possibly be moving in with Coty for a little bit while his house gets remodeled (the storm in late April knocked a power line out, and bing-bang-boom a tree fell into his house). He’s living with his mom as of right now and hates it, so Coty, being the nice person he is, offered his house up to him.

I can understand feeling uncomfortable at your mom’s as a grown man. I totally understand the anxiousness someone would have at not being able to go home because it’s broken and getting fixed. And its in my nature to immediately offer SOMETHING when people are in need because I understand that all consuming feeling and stress.

However.

I don’t like being treated differently from other people. Like how can you text Jessica all day, or you’ll come over when Jessica asks you, but if I ask you then it’s a “Maybe,” or “No.” Did you use me to try and passively show off to Jessica? Is your belief in the ‘Bro Code’ just an act? Are you ever going to relax and quit judging us for every little thing? Like SO WHAT I’m lying on the couch. I run around all day pushing aggressive and surprisingly strong woman-children into break rooms so they don’t choke me. I’m. Laying. On. The. Couch.

I’ve been judging this guy from day one and so far all I can see is someone who’s proud to be selfish (he will literally tell you he’s ‘selfish’, and it’s like, “OKAY WELL THE FIRST STEP TO FIXING A PROBLEM IS ACKNOWLEDGING IT, SOO…..”) and creates this vibe of a king needing to be appeased. We can’t have our cell phones out. We can’t interrupt him. We have to be able to understand what he’s talking about. We have to be interesting and lead interesting lives or he’ll judge us. We cook him dinners. We have to “entertain him,” but on the same hand we’ve definitely given indications of Party Fun Time being the FUCK over and he still wants to hang out with us so I’m confused! I would just think after how we’ve extended ourselves that he would relax a little. Maybe that’s what I keep picking up on him is that he’s controlling so I sense this and rebel against it entirely? And somehow he’s still infiltrating my social group and I can’t block it?¬†Every time I imagine his energy it just feels like a gnat, like he doesn’t “fit” in our group. Then there’s the added paranoia of “Is this gonna turn into a “Dustin / Marcus” situation again with Jessica? Does he like Jessica?

Whatever, it hasn’t happened yet, but he is coming over to Coty’s Tuesday. I won’t be there because why put myself in that situation? I’ve done enough overthinking and worrying tonight over some fuckboy. I’m getting my beauty rest. (By the way, have been really obsessed with skin products and skin care. Inching my way towards no makeup, if only my brows would get the fuck in line).

Chaos.

I really do. I don’t feel angry, but I DO feel very unmerciful.

For starter’s, it was crazy at work. We had 2 TA’s out, only 1 certified (when we normally should have 3) and 1 TA that came in late PLUS coordinating everyone’s lunches, and then who would be with what kid at THEIR lunch, PLUS 3 subs and only 1 of them being tolerable.

Girl was about to start having a behavior because she doesn’t wait very well and needed to use the restroom, as Sub 1 was waiting in restroom with their own kid. We tell Sub 1 to move and she’s like “Oh I’m watching X go to the bathroom,” and out of all of our kids X is the most harmless and doesn’t need to be harnessed and oh, could you please get the fuck out of the way like we asked because you staring is pissing Girl off.¬†Girl kept having a behavior and combined today she spent a total of 2 hours in her time out room “frogging” and banging her head on the door, banging the door in general, grabbing at my throat and pinch-grabbing ALL of us. And someone rammed the door really hard into my shoulder as we were shutting it to prevent her from anhiliating the staff, so that’s gonna bruise. We have behavior sheets we fill out and apparently now, two weeks before the chaos is over with for good, we’re informed we can’t write things like “aggressive,” or “banging head on door” because that’s “subjective”. WTAF? I mean really, WTAF. One, why bother changing things so close to the finish line? Two, I’m pretty sure “banging head on door” is not subjective. I have a love/hate feeling towards the teacher who instilled this policy.

Another kid had a behavior with Sub 2 in the gym, and Sub 1 was following me and my partner TA and kid around as if we’re a pack (WE ARE NOT), and you never know when someone will need help. We couldn’t ask Sub 3 to go because she was MIA and also this kid HATES her, just like everyone else, so we asked Sub 1. She said “No, Sub 2 knows what she’s doing, I think I’m just going to wander around.” Uhm, excuse me? You just said this morning that we, the TA’s, have it down and “know what we’re doing” so why don’t you rewind and go help like we fucking asked. (In case you’re wondering why me nor my TA went to help it’s because the kid we were with is a 2:1. In hindsight we could have asked him to hold Sub 1’s hand instead for a few minutes, but STILL. Madness.)

Sub 3 didn’t even rotate 5th hour like she was supposed to and just left with different kids, so no one knew who was supposed to pick up the kid that eventually had a behavior and threw their Coke all over the classroom. I’ve always hated Sub 3 though, she’s an idiot so no surprise there.

We found out one of our favorite teachers isn’t coming back next year and they handled it kind of shitty, and our administration is kind of shitty to us overall. This particular teacher happened to get a classroom full of shit parents who are lazy and don’t want to accept responsibility for their kids. Two, their grandma is dying and this teacher is her primary caretaker so she’s been out a lot attending to that. This teacher is also a coach and has been gone a lot taking care of¬†that, and whenever she had a broken hand from a student, or a concussion because she got HEADBUTTED¬†that hard. Supposedly our principal walked in and told her basically she was not going to be asked back because she didn’t get her certificate testing done on time, and she said “My grandmother is dying,” and our principal didn’t care. Normally I’m skeptical to rumors but this I could see.

Our principal is some tall lanky guy who looks like Steve Buschemi’s doppleganger and treats our kids like a joke. He just reeks of Target cologne and has this awkward clown mouth. Like one time at the beginning of the year he barely poked his head inside the classroom I had for my 1:1 student (who was known for being verbally explosive, etc.) she cussed him the fuck out and he left, smirking (OMG if anything gets me riled up its when an adult SMIRKS because of a kid’s behavior, I get so confused¬†because I don’t know who to babysit at that point.) ¬†and then later caught me in our clock out room and casually asked how “our little friend” was doing. I said she’s fine and we worked. He says “Did¬†she actually work?” as I’m standing there with a backpack full of her writing, completed worksheets, and drawings. I wanted to hit him with it and I’ve hated him ever since. Maybe if you were intuitive enough to connect with kids with special needs instead of lankily walk and lurk around, you’d know. Yeah?

THEN THE CHERRY ON TOP WAS GETTING MY FAFSA DENIAL EMAIL FOR SUMMER SEMESTER DUE TO NOT MAKING SATISFACTORY ACADEMIC PROGRESS EVEN THOUGH I MADE B’S.

FUCK TODAY.

Complaining About School.

I feel so worn down today. For starter’s I have a huge headache, but then I’m looking at my apartment and all the clothes everywhere. The bed undone. The clutter. I miss the routine I had where I spent my weekends tidying and enjoying my alone time. I also discovered today¬†that my patchy academic performance will come back to haunt me if I apply for graduate school. I’ve been sort of maintaining a B average the last two years only to raise my GPA by a fraction, when I need it raised by a mile. Working that out would be fine except I had plans to graduate in the fall and then immediately apply to be a Alt-certified SPED teacher, and now I can’t because THAT ALSO depends on your GPA. I could either hope to god I get it done right, or I could spend another year working as a TA to qualify for having a BA, +2 years work experience. (“Well, just get all A’s”. Easier said when you don’t have 9 years of academic experience underneath your belt, because basically they’re taking ALL the classes you’ve completed and averaging them, so an “A” weighs a lot less for me vs. someone who’s only take 90 credit hours.)¬†As I sit here and complain and sigh I understand all it takes is a plan of action and the stress will go away, but … everything is happening so slowly. I have been working and focusing on my long-term goals for what feels like forever, because they just barely started to take shape and I’m ready to jump into the action now. I’m ready to stop being broke NOW. Fuck.